We were secretly approached through back channels by a pig who calls himself “Slim” who claims he survived the Angry Birds “War on Swine” onslaught in the Angry Birds game from Rovio. We cannot confirm his identity so we consider this a rogue interview.
1. Harry Balls: “Slim” if that’s your name, thank you for taking the time to share your story.
Slim: No Problem … Harold.. Harry.. Balls. If that’s YOUR real name.
2. Harry Balls: Why did you decide to anger the birds?
Slim: I wish I had a rational answer to this question. I just don’t know what we were thinking. I mean most of my fellow pigs have seen Hitchcock’s classic “The Birds” so we knew very well what Angry Birds could do.
3. Harry Balls: In the Angry Birds game it seems like your pig colleagues wait to get attacked – they just lie there grunting. Have you ever heard the term “The Universe Rewards Action” or considered being a little more proactive to defend yourselves?
Slim: Did I ever say we were rocket scientists? Why are your questions so antagonistic?
4. Harry Balls: Do you believe in the Easter bunny?
Slim: What do you think Genius?
5. Harry Balls: How do you feel about a vegan diet?
Slim: God you are a pain in the ass. We do eat humans. You know that, right? Did you see Deadwood on HBO? The pigs conveniently “disappeared” some of the human murder victims’ bodies.
6. Harry Balls: Are you related to the Three Little Pigs most famous for defeating the Big Bad Wolf?
Slim: Many, many, many, many generations removed but yes, a bloodline exists.
7. HarryBalls: Have you ever considered Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig?
Slim: We (pigs) are tired of the pressure to maintain a certain body weight. We love our curves. Deal with them.
8. HarryBalls: Who would you want to play you in a bio pic?
Slim: Well, it would have been (George) Clooney’s pig but he passed so we may go with an unknown which will be cheaper and we don’t have to give up any points (% of revenue) on the back end.
9. HarryBalls: How does your family feel about the discourse you created with the Angry Birds?
Slim: Discourse – Wow, where did you learn such a grown up word, big guy?
10. HarryBalls: Do you believe in Karma?
Slim: Yes, the Angry birds will get what they deserve.
11. HarryBalls: How long does it take for you to recover from the damage the birds and their magical powers inflict on your body?
Slim: Not long. Yoga keeps us flexible.
12. HarryBalls: Most of the structures the pigs reside in seem to be very fragile. Does your town have any earthquake like level building codes? If not will you lobby for them?
Slim: Building codes. Get real. We are pigs. Will I lobby for them? I am just going to live in mud pits from now on.
13. HarryBalls: How do you feel about hiring former President Jimmy Carter to negotiate a peace treaty between the birds and your pig friends on the level of the Camp David Accords?
Slim: Carter, yes. We were leaning towards Obama but this whole Libya thing has really confused us.
14. HarryBalls: Can you comment on the rumor that game characters across the world are planning to form a union similar to professional sports players unions without the mandated drug testing?
I signed an NDA (non disclosure agreement) even though pigs, like venture capitalists, rarely sign them. What does that tell you? I can tell you this. The ego’s involved are unreal. Would you believe Super Mario’s ego is four times the size of Bono’s from U2? I remember my first U2 concert. It was ’88 and I broke up with one woman in the morning but she let me borrow her car to take another female date to the Carrier dome in Syracuse. We had nosebleeds tickets but the concert rocked. And security wouldn’t let any birds in.
15. HarryBalls: How do you feel about the rumor that aliens from another planet came to earth and imparted early humans with secret technology to enhance their lives?
Slim: That sounds about right to me. I mean do you “REALLY” think humans were independently smart enough to domesticate cats?
16. Harry Balls: In the game you lived in houses with explosives stored in them. What were you thinking?
Slim: Again with the antagonistic questions. Haven’t you matured as a celebrity interviewer since we began this experience?
Harry Balls: Lighten up
Slim: Don’t tell me to lighten up you #$^&(@ ucker-hole! Are you a recent washout from VH1’s Tool Academy?
Harry Balls: Well I think this interview is over. Someone’s getting a little hot under the collar. If you would like to buy and download Angry Birds for your Windows 7 or XP computers here. Alternatively consumers can play Angry Birds online at http://chrome.angrybirds.com/.
John Busher authored this post. Rovio created Angry Birds.