Harold Balls, the mythical hero/leader of our editorial team scored an exclusive interview with the elusive but long sought after Higgs Boson God Particle, a theorized piece of the Standard model of particle physics. Dr. Peter Higgs, a British Theoretical Physicist and emeritus professor at the University of Edinburgh, and his team originally proposed the existence of the “God Particle” in 1964. The folks at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear research recently announced they have found this “God Particle”, who we contacted through back channels to arrange this rogue interview, sponsored by TestTube Games creators of Agent Higgs, a puzzle game consumers can play on their IPhones, IPads and or IPod Touch devices. Consumers can buy and download Agent Higgs through Apple’s App Store for $0.99.
HarryBalls.com: Hello Higgs Boson God Particle. Thank you for allowing HarryBalls.com exclusive access into the life of a formerly theoretical sub atomic particle. Do you have opening statements you want to make?
God Particle: Get the paparazzi off my back.
HarryBalls.com: Humans have named you Higgs Boson. How do you feel about this name? For that matter how do you feel about the name “God Particle”? Does this name put a lot of pressure on you?
God Particle: Humans can apply any name they want. I am comfortable in my own skin regardless of what they call me.
HarryBalls.com: Have you ever met Peter Higgs, the scientist who predicted your existence?
God Particle: I may have whispered in his ear to hint at my existence. In some circles I am known as the theoretical physicist whisperer.
HarryBalls.com: Are there any truths to the rumors that Dr. Higgs will give you half of the $100 he won in a bet with Stephen Hawking about your existence? Did you come out of hiding specifically to collect the $50?
God Particle: I “let” them find me just to see the reaction from Stephen Hawking when he discovered he was actually wrong about something.
HarryBalls.com: All the news stories about your recent emergence use the adjective “elusive” to describe you. Why are you elusive? Was this a strategic decision to make you seem unavailable, even aloof?
God Particle: Was I “strategically” elusive? No. Was I trying to maintain my privacy? Absolutely!
HarryBalls.com: Rolf-Dieter Heuer, Director General of CERN was quoted as saying “I think we have it” according to the New York Times. He was referring to you, the God Particle. How does this make you feel? Would you prefer he said “I know we have it.” more forcefully?
God Particle: Male humans don’t like commitments. Rolf Dieter Heuer is a male human. Saying “I think we have it” is about as strong a commitment you will get from folks like Rolf.
HarryBalls.com: Is it true that Rolf-Dieter Heuer’s team had their fingers right on your belly button for years but they couldn’t see what was in front of them?
God Particle: Does this surprise you? Can male humans ever see what’s right in front of them?
HarryBalls.com: They say you weighed in at 125 billion electron volts, one of the heavier subatomic particles. Will you sign a promotional weight loss deal similar to the contract Jessica Simpson signed with Weight Watchers after she gave birth to her daughter?
God Particle: God Bless Jessica Simpson. I wish I was as savvy about business as her. My promotional team and I are entertaining offers from many prospective marketing and licensing partners. However rather than launching multiple deals all at once like a professional athlete must do while they still have decent shelf life, my team and I are leaning towards signing an exclusive multi-year, multi-product, multi-channel partnership with one company. I can’t say anymore because the ink on the non-disclosure agreement is still wet.
HarryBalls.com: Why are you leaning towards this approach?
God Particle: To maintain the Higgs Boson God Particle brand integrity.
HarryBalls.com: What are the Higgs Boson God Particle brand attributes?
God Particle: “Truth, Facts, honesty, integrity, exploration, always ask why not?” The usual stuff.
HarryBalls.com: In the United States, the CBS television network broadcasts a show, produced by Chuck Lorre, featuring socially awkward theoretical physicists and one astronaut engineer called “The Big Bang Theory”. Will your recent emergence force CBS to change the word “theory” in the title? If so, will you get royalties? Have seen the show? What’s your favorite episode? Do you think Raj will ever find love?
God Particle: In lieu of royalties we are talking to Chuck Lorre’s production team about the possibility of the Higgs Boson God Particle (me) making multiple episode appearances where I become a serious romantic rival to the Sheldon Cooper character as we both via for the Amy Farrah Fowler character’s love. If Stephen Hawking can guest star on one episode I, at the very least, should have a multiple episode story arc. Ideally I will become a regular on the show but CBS can be weird (read picky) when it comes to non-human particle characters.
HarryBalls.com: What’s next for the God Particle? Will you take a holiday?
God Particle: I am self – publishing my memoir/autobiography. Look for it in the ITunes e-book store in late October/early November 2012. I will make the talk show rounds starting in NY with Jimmie Fallon, The Daily Show and Letterman, followed by Leno and Conan O’Brien on the west coast.
In parallel I am pitching venture capitalists on idea for a nano technology start-up business I plan to launch in Q1 2013ish.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your time today.
TestTube Games Agent Higgs Game Sponsored this funny interview written by John Busher.
John M. Busher wrote this post. If you appreciate this kind of humor and would like to support Mr. Busher you can buy his short satirical ebooks published through a service called Smashwords. You can read the books on pretty much all electronic devices – PC, Kindle, iPad, Nook etc.