The kooky HarryBalls.com editorial team interviewed Jake Barnes, the protagonist in the funny free quirky, dark comic novel, Killin Machine written by JT Pearson and available for download from Smashwords.
1. HarryBalls: Hello Jake Barnes. Thank you for stopping by the HarryBalls.com virtual offices. Were you able to find our hidden virtual location without any problems?
Jake: You’re welcome. At first I had trouble getting a hand on HarryBalls. But after becoming more familiar, I really love them-you-I mean-your magazine. I’m not gay.
As to finding the place, It’s really not hidden very well if I was able to find it, Mr. Balls. It’s advertised on the back of the menus at My Dung. I advise if you eat at My Dung that you avoid the poo poo platter. On second thought, you should definitely order it. Lee Ho would be happy to make it special for you.
2. HarryBalls: How did you meet JT Pearson, the author of Killin Machine? Did you respond to a posting on Craigslist or Linkedin looking for a protagonist?
Jake: JT Pearson is a hack writer and a narcissistic asshole. I’ve known of him for years through mutual acquaintances. He’s a dictator at the parties he throws for industry people and will argue over dozens of ridiculous claims that he makes. And he’ll threaten bodily harm if you disagree with him. Real paranoid delusional shit, like he insists that the United States manufactured the moon back in the eighteenth century so that we’d have something pretty in the sky to look at. A gift to the world, is how he describes it. He really believes that. Anyway, the lunatic hunted me down and badgered me relentlessly until I agreed to his demands. That properly stated, so that you have an idea of the man, he is also quite charismatic and charming at times, almost hypnotic. I’m not gay but for a while I’m certain that I was in love with him. I never really had a choice in the matter of working with him or not. Have I made it clear enough that I’m not gay?
3. HarryBalls: What was it like working with Mr. Pearson? Will you work with him again? Does he floss?
Jake: The most beautiful experience I’ve ever had, and yet repulsive enough at some times that I suffered simultaneous bouts of explosive vomiting and diarrhea. I pray that I never see the man again but I doubt that prayer will be answered. As for flossing, I watched JT get offended by a man named Stanley (his last name will remain unknown for his protection), that was working on Killin Machine with us JT was offended by the man’s lack of hygiene so he had two cronies that work for him hold the man down and floss the shit out of his teeth until he was bleeding everywhere. I guess you could say that the man believes in flossing.
4. HarryBalls: You come into contact with a cat in the book. Did you know what a cat was before JT Pearson appointed you as his protagonist? Did you spend time with any cats to prepare for the experience? Looking back, what, if anything would you do differently to prepare?
Jake: What the hell kind of question is that? How could I possibly not know what a cat was? I thought I smelled brandy. I think you’ve been drinking. Go have one of your people find me a scotch, Harry, so that we’re operating on common ground.
5. HarryBalls: How were you compensated for the appearance in Killin Machine? Did you employ an agent to negotiate on your behalf?
Jake: I’m still alive, aren’t I? Pretty stupid question when you’re asking about JT. Get up to speed, Harry. Where’s that scotch?”
6. HarryBalls: How has your appearance in Killin Machine affected your love life? Are supermodels, actresses and poet laureates begging you for dates?
Jake: That was never a problem before the success of Killin Machine. I’ve always had an extraordinary way with the fairer half of the species. For Killin Machine, JT had me act all – “Oh my! A woman! I don’t what to do! Are those breasts? I’ve never seen those before.” Please. I thought his character was such a cliché. Scotch, please! Is someone around this place getting me a scotch?
7. HarryBalls: Do you believe in love?
Jake: I believe in friction. Man meets woman and they get to rubbing. Clear enough for you? Where the hell is that scotch?
8. HarryBalls: What do you do on your down time when you aren’t appearing in novels?
Jake: I work with the CIA to overthrow burgeoning governments that may be a future threat to the western lifestyle. I also enjoy collecting Beanie Babies.
9. HarryBalls: How do you deal with the paparazzo?
Jake: With a small caliber handgun and a bag of lye.
10. HarryBalls: How do you define happiness?
Jake: As a myth for the gullible, a senseless journey toward something unachievable. That scotch your assistant is fetching might just be the closest thing to happiness that exists.
11. HarryBalls: Who was your role model when you were a child?
Jake: I was. I realized at a very early age (like sixteen months) that this life was hard and that I had one true person that I could count on in this world and that person was staring back at me every morning when I ashed my cigarette and brushed my tooth.
12. HarryBalls: How did your childhood prepare you to play a struggling novelist in a story written by a novelist?
Jake: Obviously it didn’t. That asshole Pearson still caught up with me. You do know what scotch is?
13. HarryBalls: If you could guest host The Daily Show with Jon Stewart would you employ as many facial expressions as Mr. Stewart? Who would you invite to be your guest on the show?
Jake: When I appear on The Daily Show I will have a bowie knife hidden in my pants. At the right time I will tell Jon that I have something in my pants that I’d like to show him. I‘ll stand up and undo my pants and when he looks away in horror. I will actually pull out the knife and jump up and behind Stewart and cut his throat. The CIA has been after him for years for encouraging derisive views. I’ll probably be the only man that will ever get close enough to him to do it. Your welcome, America.
14. HarryBalls: Do you have any plans to work in nonfiction?
Jake: I plan on fulfilling my role as a figure mentioned in the Bible. In The Book of the Apocalypse.
15. HarryBalls: Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?
Jake: Unfortunately I fear that I will be alongside JT Pearson, at his request, while he does unspeakable things to humanity.
16. HarryBalls: Final question: Do you have any advice for characters who hope to star as a protagonist in someone’s novel?
Jake: Another good question. You have a lot of questions. You seem the type that loves to snoop and pry. Let me stand up for a second. I’d like to show you something in my pants.
The interview is now over but you can download Killin Machine for free from Smashwords using this link. John Busher wrote the interview questions and JT Pearson, author of Killin Machine, wrote Jake Barnes’ responses.