The demented Harry Balls editorial team invited me, Sativa Sue, a well-adjusted & beautiful fragrant bud of sativa marijuana, to guest write this post. President Obama held a press conference Friday to address the Russian mini invasion of its former satellite country, the Ukraine. I invited President Obama’s golf putter to address questions our audience emailed to us about the situation.
Sativa Sue: Hello President Obama’s golf putter. Thank you for accepting our invitation to discuss the Russian – Ukraine situation.
Obama’s Golf Putter: No Problem. The White House (WH) sent me rather than Jay Carney.
Sativa Sue: Why?
Obama’s Golf Putter: First of all, Jay Carney tends to get lost in the shower. Secondly, Mr. Carney can barely handle the pressure of questions from the human White House press pool so there’s no way he could comprehend questions coming from an inanimate but well-adjusted giant fragrant bud of sativa marijuana like you. The White House Communications team tasked me with handling all questions from inanimate objects except from the one’s Bill O’Reilly’s ass.
Sativa Sue: Good to know. We actually have a standing invitation out to O’Reilly’s ass to come in to speak with us.
Obama’s Golf Putter: O’Reilly’s ass, like its owner, is completely full of hot meaningless fear mongering bullshit so we don’t bother.
Sativa Sue: Great. Are you ready to begin the interview?
Obama’s Golf Putter: Absolutely.
Sativa Sue: Rachel Maddow’s eyeglasses posited the theory that the American industrialist Koch Brothers secretly goaded Russian President Vladimir Putin into invading Crimea and the Ukraine. How do you feel about this theory?
Obama’s Golf Putter: What does that have to do with President Obama’s press conference addressing the Russian/Ukrainian situation?
Sativa Sue: That’s an evasive answer. What kind of questions did you expect would come from a giant fragrant bud of Sativa marijuana named Sue working for a site called HarryBalls.com?
Obama’s Golf Putter: Fair point. My boss, President Obama did NOT; I repeat did not mention anything about Rachel Maddow’s eyeglasses’ theories in his Russian Ukrainian press conference. However if you must have an answer according to Rachel Maddow’s eyeglasses the Koch Brothers funded, directly or indirectly, the following: the extermination of the dinosaurs, the Ice Age (the real thing not the movie franchise featuring the voice of the actor Ray Romano – God I miss his show “Everybody loves Raymond”), the volcanic explosion of Mount Vesuvius that buried Pompeii, the Hellenic Wars in ancient Greece, the expansion and implosion of the Roman Empire, Attila the Hun’s march across Europe, Genghis Khan’s “colorful exploration” of Asia through the establishment of his Mongolian Empire, the crucifixion of Jesus, the spread of the black plague in medieval Europe, The American Revolution, the War of 1812, the American Civil War, World Wars I and II, the Cold War, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, the 1980s Falkland Islands War between the United Kingdom and Argentina, both Gulf Wars, all of Jon Stewart’s facial expressions, Alec Baldwin’s temper and the death of the Tom Carvel, the gravelly voiced founder of the United States east coast based Carvel Ice Cream Empire.
Sativa Sue: I take it from your tone you doubt most of Rachel Maddow’s eyeglasses theories?
Obama’s Golf Putter: Officially the Obama Administration plausibly denies any of Rachel Maddow’s eyeglasses’ theories but personally, I, President Obama’s golf putter, think her eyeglasses are on to something with most of them. Although I’m not sure how the Koch Brothers would have benefited from Tom Carvel’s death. I mean who doesn’t love the Carvel Ice Cake with the little chocolate crunchies?
Sativa Sue: Everyone, even our audience looooves the Carvel Ice Cream cakes… and Girl Scout cookies.
Obama’s Golf Putter: Exactly. Can we move on to the “real” questions please?
Sativa Sue: President Obama warned Vladimir Putin of the costs involved when you inject your country into another sovereign country’s business. Can you elaborate on what Obama meant when he used the word “costs”?
Obama’s Golf Putter: If one country wants to affect regime change of another country the United States prefers the subtle behind the scene approaches rather than using blunt overt military force, unless you want to showcase your country’s military prowess on a twenty four hour global news channel to remind everyone how easily you can kick their asses.
Sativa Sue: Hmm. I’m not sure what you mean.
Obama’s Golf Putter: Let’s use the example of Iran. In the early 20th century Britain started Iran’s oil industry. In the 1950’s Iranian population democratically elected Mohammad Mosaddegh, who promised to nationalize the Iranian oil industry. Britain’s Prime Minister, deathly afraid of losing his country’s complete financial control of another country’s natural asset, went screaming to President Eisenhower “The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming” saying the Communist Red threat planned to take over Iran to get access to Britain’s oil industry. (1st footnote)
Sativa Sue: Wasn’t it Iran’s oil industry?
Obama’s Golf Putter: If it wasn’t for Britain sucking the oil revenue out of Iran’s sand than Iran wouldn’t have had anything to nationalize.
Sativa Sue: Ok. I guess.
Obama’s Golf Putter: How did the United States respond to Britain’s hysterics? Did we launch an obvious military action against Iran?
Sativa Sue: No?
Obama’s Golf Putter: Did we put America’s young warriors in harm’s way to defend our freedom?
Sativa Sue: No?
Obama’s Golf Putter: Of course not. Did we have to pay for rifles, bullets, land mines, tanks, bombs required for a military invasion of Iran?
Sativa Sue: I’m guessing the word “No” would answer your question…again.
Obama’s Golf Putter: Did we have to convince the American public and the world that the United States could morally and effectively conduct two wars (Korean and Iran) simultaneously?
Sativa Sue: No. Get to your point please.
Obama’s Golf Putter: That’s right. No again. We, with Britain, quietly and secretly orchestrated a coup of the democratically elected leader of Iran and replaced him with the tyrannical, but nice to his international friends like the United States and Britain, the Shah of Iran.
Sativa Sue: Wow. I didn’t know that. Continue please.
Obama’s Golf Putter: The United States has fined tuned the practice of cost effectively overthrowing leaders of other countries, quietly efficiently with minimal American blood spilled. Why can’t Russia follow our lead? So what if they want to take over the Ukraine. It was theirs for over eighty years but couldn’t they employ a more delicate approach? Didn’t they see how we handled similar situations in Argentina, Guatemala; Syria in 1949, Guatemala in 1954, Democratic Republic of Congo in 1964…. 2nd footnote
Sativa Sue: Excuse me. Can I interrupt? Are you done with your list or are there more examples where the United States “cost effectively” orchestrated the overthrow of a leader of another country in the interest of defending the United States economic freedom?
Obama’s Golf Putter: There’s a ton more. I can go on for at least another week.
Sativa Sue: That’s not necessary. I think you have painted a really solid picture for our audience. To summarize you, President Obama’s Golf Putter, are suggesting to Russia with these examples that two general ways exist to affect regime change: the costly obvious blunt military invasion option or the underhanded, stealthy alternative which causes minimal grief for everyone, including civilians, involved so why not use the latter?
Obama’s Golf Putter: That’s exactly right. Can I have a hit now?
1st footnote – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1953_Iranian_coup_d%27%C3%A9tat
2nd – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covert_United_States_foreign_regime_change_actions
John M. Busher wrote this post. If you appreciate this kind of humor and would like to support Mr. Busher you can buy his short satirical ebooks published through a service called Smashwords. You can read the books on pretty much all electronic devices – PC, Kindle, iPad, Nook etc.