Hello reader. You are looking at words written by a well-adjusted beautiful bud of sativa marijuana, the strain of pot that some folks prefer for its ability to help them unleash their inner mad creative genius. My parents named me Sativa Sue and I earn extra income by conducting and publishing satirical interviews with inanimate objects in the news for HarryBalls.com. Crazy Harry and his team published my first exclusive piece where I quizzed President Obama’s Golf Putter about the United States’ reaction to Russia’s incursion into the Crimean peninsula-part of the Ukraine.
Shortly after the putter piece hit the electronic newsstands, the left nipple of Russia’s President Vladimir Putin personally contacted me via Twitter to offer its own perspective to Obama’s putter’s comments.
Sativa Sue: Hello Vladimir Putin’s left nipple. Should I call you “Lefty”, “Nip” or maybe “eraser”?
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: The formal “Vladimir Putin’s left nipple” is fine.
Sativa Sue: That sounds easy enough. Thank you for coming into the HarryBalls.com offices to offer your response to the United State’s reaction to the Crimea situation. Do you represent Vladimir Putin’s and Russian’s official position?
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: Consider this a rogue interview. I have an opinion. Vladimir Putin’s right nipple has its own opinion and Vlad’s impaler has its own opinion.
Sativa Sue: What’s Vlad’s impaler?
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple (a little surprised): Dude, you write for a site called HarryBalls.com. Can’t you friggin’ guess where Vlad’s Impaler might reside on Putin’s body?
Sativa Sue: Calm down. First of all I am the female variety of pot. I’m sooo sorry I don’t immediately know what you mean by Vlad’s impaler but based on this testy exchange and the fact the Putin thinks of himself as a manly man’s man, I suspect the impaler may reside somewhere south of Putin’s belly button but above his hairy thighs.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: Close enough. The impaler actually has its own GPS coordinates but you didn’t hear that from me. My point is that Putin allows all his body parts to form their own opinions on most geopolitical subjects. My thoughts belong exclusively to me, Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple, and don’t represent the thoughts of any other part of Vladimir Putin’s body. Understood?
Sativa Sue: Got it. Wow. It took 300 plus words to get to where we are now. Your English is pretty good but clearly you don’t know the English word “succinct.” Can we get to the meat of the interview now please?
You asked us to allow you to share your opinion about the Russia Crimea Ukrainian situation as a counter to President Obama’s Putter’s thoughts.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: Yes. That’s why I’m here. That and because President Obama’s putter told me you got it super baked with superbly smelling sativa herb after its interview ended.
Sativa Sue: I’m glad to see inanimate objects like Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple are flocking to share their thoughts with the HarryBalls.com team for its editorial integrity.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: Don’t punish me for being honest. Is the baking option still on the table?
Sativa Sue: I can’t discuss that here in public. Let’s see how the interview goes.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: Ok. What do you want to know?
Sativa Sue: Your response to President Obama’s Golf Putter’s desire for Russia to stay out of a sovereign country’s business but if Russia really has to the United States would prefer that Russia would consider employing a less obvious stealthy behind the scenes approach to regime change than the blunt “let us in or we will blow your house down” military invasion option.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: What does Obama’s putter want Russia to do – pull troops with their military insignias covered with black tape completely out of Crimea now?!? Isn’t it a little late for that?
Sativa Sue: I’m just the messenger asking for your opinion.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: So the US is ok if Russia implemented regime change in Crimea and Ukraine if we did so quietly on the sly like when the US secretly orchestrated all those coups in so many countries like Obama’s putter mentioned in your last interview Iran, Iraq, Guatemala, and even their own country in the 2000 Bush Gore Election?
Sativa Sue: That seems to be their preference.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: With all due respect, the United States can go fuck themselves.
Sativa Sue: How do you really feel?
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: Russia still has troops in the country of Georgia from our friendly visit in 2008 which completely surprised the United States. What is the United States going to do? Complain to the United Nations? Launch nukes?
Sativa Sue: Again I don’t know because I don’t speak for the United States.
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: The United States should consider letting a beautiful bud of sativa marijuana like yourself become their spokesthing because the humans they hire like Jay Carney and the dipshits from the Bush administration couldn’t talk their way out of a really dry giant brown paper bag with a gallon of gasoline and a lifetime supply of water proof matches.
Sativa Sue: Is that all your thoughts?
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: What do you think genius?
Sativa Sue: Wow. For a human left nipple you certainly have quite an attitude. Doesn’t Putin lick you enough?
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: In a week or so this will blow over. Justin Beiber will get arrested again or Alec Baldwin will beat the crap out of a paparazzo or the CIA will bug Diane Feinstein’s computers. All the newspapers and blogs will drop the Crimea Ukraine story to some inside page of their publication. Look as of today March 11th the story doesn’t appear on The Drudge Report anymore.
Sativa Sue: What were we talking about?
Vladimir Putin’s Left Nipple: Exactly. Today Crimea, tomorrow Bora Bora. You guys have Hawaii. I need a place to retire.
John M. Busher wrote this post. If you appreciate this kind of humor and would like to support Mr. Busher you can buy his short satirical ebooks published through a service called Smashwords. You can read the books on pretty much all electronic devices – PC, Kindle, iPad, Nook etc.