The Loch Ness Monster Responds to the Apple Maps Controversy

The Loch Ness Monster Answers 10 Questions

The Loch Ness Monster Answers 10 Questions

Yahoo reported that Apple Maps may have confirmed the existence of the Loch Ness Monster by capturing an satellite image of a creature they say is the Loch Ness Monster. I, Sativa Sue, a beautiful bud of marijuana who happens to publish interviews with inanimate objects like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s Blue Fleece, President Obama’s Golf Putter and Vladimir Putin’s left nipple, invited the Loch Ness Monster for a 10 question Charlie Rose style sit down interview to discuss Apple Maps and more in my organic office.

Sativa Sue: Hello Loch Ness Monster. Welcome to my virtual office.

Loch Ness Monster: Thank you for having me. I get that most humans refer to me as the Loch Ness “Monster” but humans tend to call things they don’t understand or fear bad words like “Monster” or “The Rock” aka Dwayne Johnson. Would it be possible to call me the “Loch Ness Sentient Being” please?

Sativa Sue: Sure.

Loch Ness Sentient Being: Do you want to start the interview now?


Sativa Sue: How often do you change the floor mat in your bathroom?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: Just because some people, well everyone, refer to me as a so called “monster” doesn’t mean I am a pig. I change it once every twelve months thanks to Bed Bath and Beyond.

Sativa Sue: Right. How do you feel about Scotland’s latest move towards independence? Are you part of the movement?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: I’m all for independence. Hell. I facilitated the relationship between the United States colonies and France. In fact it was my idea to connect the two organizations. But I had to encourage Ben Franklin to pursue the relationship because he was too shy. As far as my involvement in the current I signed nondisclosure agreement so I can’t discuss it.

Sativa Sue: Did you know the real William Wallace, played by the actor Mel Gibson in the movie Braveheart?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: Yes. The actual William Wallace really believed in freedom and he accepted everyone regardless of their race, creed, color and religion.

Sativa Sue: Did Apple Maps capture your image as reported by Yahoo and other news media outlets yesterday?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: I’ll say this about Apple Maps. On weekends I go to Borderland Café on Valencia Street in San Francisco’s Mission district to work on my novel. It’s a writer’s paradise because they turn off the Wifi to reduce distractions and noise for the writers. One Saturday I went there expecting to write in their nice quiet atmosphere. However on this particular day the café was hosting some small seminar in the back of the café for writers. It was unusually loud. I forgot my headphones for my mobile music device so I searched the keyword “headphones” to find a place near the café to buy cheap headphones. I swear to God Apple Maps presented a place in the state of Iowa as the closest place to buy headphones. Apple Maps needs all the help it can get. If they need to pretend they found me than more power to them.

Sativa Sue: Do you think Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy was carefully timed to benefit her mother’s Presidential campaign?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: Hillary Clinton schedules her bathroom visits so they advance her career so it wouldn’t shock me if her daughter’s pregnancy “coincidently” helps Hillary’s campaign for the Presidency.

Sativa Sue: What interview question really exposes the truth about a job candidate you are evaluating to hire for your company?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: As you know may or may not know I am leading a nanotech startup and spend about 20% reviewing my human capital options, as I call it. I ask all candidates if all the people they have worked with over the last 10 years gave their input into your 360 degree review what three characteristics would all the folks come up with to describe you.

Sativa Sue: Do you feel Colbert’s taking over the late show from Letterman represents the next stage in a progressive media takeover plotting against the right?


Loch Ness Sentient Being: Absolutely. Why can’t CBS hire some fair open minded sane approachable talented people like Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, Glenn Beck, Anthony Weiner or Michele Bachman.

Sativa Sue: How do you feel about social media?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: Giant time suck. Neither Facebook or Twitter ads worked for my startup but Twitter is one of the most important inventions since the Guttenberg press so is 3D printing.

Sativa Sue: What inspires you?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: Big Data.

Sativa Sue: Do you think US Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg should retire this year?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: I think the United States country would benefit more from the retirement, forced or otherwise, of Scalia and Thomas but Ms. Ginsburg should hang on as long as she can handle the workload. However I am a Scottish Citizen so really I could give a crap.

Sativa Sue: The Vladimir Putin Ukraine situation?

Loch Ness Sentient Being: Why doesn’t Putin invest his liberation efforts into Scotland? We can use the help. Where’s the Australian pussy known as Mel Gibson now, fucker? I believe I answered the alotted number of questions. Will you get me high now?

Sativa Sue: And that concludes the interview. Thank you Loch Ness Sentient Being.

John Busher authored this post. If you appreciate this kind of humor and would like to support Mr. Busher you can buy one or both of his short satirical ebooks he self published through a service called Smashwords for $0.99 each. You can read the books on pretty much all electronic devices – PC, Kindle, iPad, Nook etc.

1. Dick Cheney’s Conscience Goes Rogue…Talks Iraq – Itunes, Barnesandnoble.com, Android Via KoboBooks.

2. Donny The Drone’s Terrific Guide to American Exceptionalism on iTunes, Barnesandnoble.com, Android via Kobobooks.

3.The 4th Amendment Interviews The NSA’s Prism Program on Itunes, Barnesandnoble.com, Android via Kobobooks.

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