By Dan Geddes, The Satirist
WASHINGTON – Several leading economists have recently called for a new major war as the best means to solve the world’s six-year old economic crisis.
Nobel-nominated economist Karl Strauss of the University of Chicago stated: “Major war is the time-honored cure for economic stagnation.”
Strauss elaborated: “War is an important variable within geopolitical game theory. Ideally, the President would choose a war that would cause perpetual–yet controlled–wars, such as those described in George Orwell’s 1984. Controlled wars are the best wars for the long-term health of the economy, as well as for maintaining national unity.”
Other economists praised Karl Strauss.
Fellow University of Chicago economist Igor Strauss agreed, writing in the Chicago Times that “Karl Strauss is a genius, representing the best in a school of great economists.”
“It’s been a long time since the last major war. It would be healthy for the economy.”
“It’s an economic truism that only World War II ended the Great Depression in America. The New Deal accomplished nothing.”
“But as economists, we avoid attaching moral labels such as ‘good’ or ‘evil’ to war. Wars are just like any other economic phenomenon to be studied, preferably from within a comfortable university setting and at a safe distance from any actual death, bloodshed, or poor people.”
Adolph Strauss, also of the University of Chicago, praised his colleagues Karl Strauss and Igor Strauss, and critiqued those “worthless progressives” who have called for a “New New Deal”: massive infrastructure projects to repair America’s crumbling bridges, roads, train stations and airports.
“Some worthless progressives may call for a ‘New New Deal’ to put people back to work, but we feel it is better to stay the course, to use our drone technology to destroy the outdated infrastructure in other countries, and then to rebuild the destroyed nations in our own image.”
“Either way America gets to benefit both from the destruction and the rebuilding of each nation that we are liberating. That is very efficient. And good for the economy.”
Karl Strauss, Igor Strauss, and Adolph Strauss continue the illustrious tradition of economics at Chicago, perhaps best exemplified by Leo Strauss, the intellectual godfather of neo-conservatives. (Claims that Karl, Igor and Adolph Strauss are the biological offspring of the great Leo Strauss (1899 – 1973) have never been proven conclusively.)
Some also see war as a good way to fill the hole left in the world’s media attention, now that the universally beloved World Cup football tournament is over.
“The summer would be insufferably boring without a fresh war,” says Professor Stanley Tellman, economist at Gotham University. “I can’t wait.”
“War will be great for the economy,” agreed Professor John Churchill of Oxford. “Never before have so many poor people had it so good for so long. The time has come to act, to get the sausage-grinders into action, cull the herd a bit. It’s good for the economy.”
Venerable Republican politicians agree with these top economists.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney thinks that entering a war against Russia is “a fantastic idea that will solve a lot of our problems. Remember: what is good for our Perpetual War Portfolio is good for the American people.”
“Frankly, anybody against going to war right now is an idiot,” concluded former President George W. Bush. “War is always good for America.”
You can read more funny fake news from Dan Geddes, editor of the Satirist.